Every few months my doctor prescribes high-dose steroids to treat polymyalgia rheumatica (PMR). When it flares, simple things become difficult. Getting out of the car takes planning. Stairs seem twice as tall as they used to be. Even sitting at the organ becomes an exercise in endurance. Taking steroids gives me my life back, but that life comes with a price.
Within a day or two of the first pill, I stop sleeping. My emotions rush closer to the surface. Little irritations suddenly demand my full attention, and small frustrations become major offenses. I become impatient. My words become sharper than they should be. It happens every time. And sooner or later, Gail pays the highest price.
Then comes the long walk.
I push myself from my chair and start looking for Gail. It’s only a few steps through the house. I’ve walked that distance thousands of times without giving it a thought. But tonight, every step feels heavier than the last. With each step, the voice of my pride grows louder.
“I didn’t mean it.”
“She knows it’s the medication.”
“I can apologize later.”
I keep walking.
When I finally find Gail, she usually knows why I’m there before I say the words.
“I’m sorry.”
Even after all these years together, those words never get easier.
For a long time, I believed those few steps were my sentences. Now I see them differently.
I still hate that I hurt Gail. I wish I could tell you those days are behind me. They aren’t.
Somewhere along those few steps, God changed what I saw.
For a long time, I believed reconciliation began with the words, “I’m sorry.” Now I know it doesn’t.
Reconciliation begins with the first step.
Jesus said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23–24, NKJV)
Jesus never told us to wait until we feel like making things right. He told us to go.
I’ve also discovered that the longest walk in my house is only a few steps.
Every step is still a choice.
Every day I choose to listen to the voice of my pride…or to walk toward peace.
Today, peace begins with the first step.
About the Author
David Johnson is the co-founder and Director of Ministry at Laurel Mountain Ministries. He is an ordained minister, retired attorney, Bible teacher, and author who enjoys helping people discover God’s truth through practical Bible study. His latest book, PEACEMAKER: A Twelve Session Journey into the Heart of God’s Peace, is available on Amazon.
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